I'm far from lonely.

11:03PM - O' Christmas Tree...

The first thing I want to say is that I was sitting in this same chair a year ago at this same computer, counting down to Christmas Eve while talking to Shane and watching the Osbournes.

Also, I was updating this.

Doing it two years in a row makes it TRADITION. 8D

Christmas Eve is my favorite holiday. :] Just incase you didn't know. But that is a true story, let me tell you.

I want to now move on to my last entry, update with that... Just incase you were curious.

I didn't get my laptop back. Dell lost it, or it was beyond repair- I have no idea. But that means I get a new one, which is good news. The bad news is that I won't be getting it until the second or so, but hopefully it'll come earlier. Who knows.

Melissa doesn't deserve her present.
I stopped working on it.
She's a slut.
Who used me.
Two months since we broke up and I'm still bothered by her.

Lindsay didn't come either, which I did foresee.

So, I've been ghost hunting with Leo and the gang lately. It's worth it, definitely a lot of fun and a really cool experience. Everyone always says things like they would be too scared to do it and whatnot, but once you're there...

It's exhilerating.
There it really nothing else to describe it.

I want to go again and do it right, use all the equipment and video cameras, and the digi recorder this time. It'll be a lot of fun, I know it.

If you think I'm weird now, well, you're just a little behind on the times there, Buster Brown. Get happening.

Merry Christmas Eve's Eve, Merry Christmas Eve, Merry Christmas.
AND HAPPY BOXING DAY, CANADA.

Thanks for the comment, Steph.
-Hug.-

9:35PM - Back again.

So, NaNo is over.

For those interested parties, yes I did fail, but not because of myself. I haven't been able to get my hands on a computer for a long ass time, and now my laptop is going to Dell for however long they want to take with it. Stupid computer places. I think I should get it back by Monday, I hope, or at least before Christmas.

For the first time ever, since I ordered my laptop, I entered the world of online shopping. I did it with giftcards though, because neither of my parents have bank accounts right now and they just cash the disability checks.

I really need a job. Just so I can get an account. Maybe if I get enough holiday money I can open an account and then go job searching and whatnot. I've tried, don't get me wrong, but it just doesn't seem to be worth it. I don't have the effort it takes to keep harrassing people, and start yelling for them to give me a job.

What a joke.
XD Me, of all people, not having the balls to call up people and hassle them.
Seems odd, in a weird way.

But I just sort of feel like ranting while I have the time, before I go to bed of course. I wish I could have gone a while ago, but I was working on the story I have to beta for Katie and my own story, which I wanted to write and have done by Christmas for Melissa's Christmas present.

Let me tell you, that is not going to happen. But I do at least want the first chapter done so I can post it. I, unlike my mentor, do not write it all and then post it periodically. I post it as I write it because I almost always want immediate feedback. Call me pathetic if you want, I don't care. I like feedback, especially the positive yet constructive sort. If I didn't, I wouldn't have Katie as my beta.

Also, lately I have been thinking a lot about my orientation. I think I'm bisesxual, I don't know. But I might be a lesbian.
Or it might just be side effects of the transgendered mindset I seem to have.

But I also kind of have a thing for a couple of boys, every now and again, but not nearly as often. So technically, I can't classify myself as a lesbian. And when I go to tell people that, they laugh at me like it's a joke. You, be somewhat straight? AHAHAHA.

Actual quote, let me tell you.

Another topic is the future. The immediate future is this weekend, when Lindsay, AKA Luke is coming down for a day for the first time ever to come and visit me. That sounds like a lot of fun, but I don't know if it's going to be awkward considering how long she lied to me about who she was.

I don't know.

But I think we'll have a good time.

Also, not so immediate future. Leo said that he might be able to get me a job at the beach club this upcoming summer, if I can't find a job of my own, that is. Though I think that working with Leo would definitely be a fun thing to do, especially since it includes Sean and Ashley, and of course, BOB. =D -Laughs a tad.-

Katie might be coming up to spend a couple of days with me this summer, just to make me happy. At the end of high school, she said that if I go to ITT down there or the community college down by Tampa, I can also end up going to another local college after that. She said I could live with her and she wouldn't make me get a full time job. And let me tell you, does that sound like a real deal, getting out of here for almost nothing and whatnot. It's a better plan than almost anything else I could want, and I know that.

But it is lacking one real thing, that I need to be able to go ANYWHERE far away from home for some extended amount of time.

Rachel Elizabeth Smith.

You see, I don't care what people say about us, but she is one of the most important things in my entire world. I don't care what they want to say about how close we are, whether or not it's normal or anything like that, because they need to face the idea that we are not normal and I depend on her whether or not they like it, and also how we are closer than most sets of sisters.

Maybe she'd like to go to the art college down there.

But right now, the cities I am looking at for after high school are San Diego, Boston, and Tampa or Miami. Now, those don't sound too bad, do they? But I am not looking forward to making a choice between a higher education of my choice and no Rachel or Rachel and a school that was not the one I wanted to go to.

Look at this.
It isn't even the end of the school year for my junior year, and I'm freaking the fuck out over these things.

I think I really need to go to bed now.
I'll write at some later date.


And Benji, I love your icon updates. XD

Current mood: Horribly tired.

1:37PM - Yeah... it's been months.

But that's alright, as long as livejournal doesn't go bitchy on me.

I have one hundred and twenty-one new messages.

Well, that's not intimidating. I bet you most of it are Benji and Meev's icon changes. -Teasing.- You all just wait, ten bucks says it is.

I've had a lot of relationships lately. Well, more like two consecutive ones in real life with two lovely girls. Maribeth and Melissa. Maybe it was an M thing. I find it funny that when both of those relationships are really completely over, the M key on my laptop no longer works. Hah. Could it be a sign...? XDD

So, I'm attempting NaNoWriMo. I think I'm going to fail, but at least it gets the creative juices flowing, man! I owe people on ED replies to roleplays, but I am going to get around to them. I promised myself I would.

I hate this school year. I have to do tons of shit so I can maybe get into a community college. -_- This is what I get for being smart and lazy. I have loads of homework I need to get done before spanish. Someone motivate me with an ass kicking or something. -_-;;;

Ooh... David Bowie. o_o Thank you, shuffle on music players. 8D

I have so much to say, but I don't even know how to start with it all. This is why I should update more often.

I don't know how I feel about people anymore. But I do know I feel alone, and I hate this feeling. I also know that I have more than enough people here for me, but something still feels like it's missing. This could be the result of having constant relationships from... Gods... two thousand two.

Wow.

Has it really been five years?

God damn...

Time flies by too quickly. I mean, I'm a junior in high school now. I remember graduating sixth grade and telling my mother that I was half way done with school, and that everything was going so slow. But I knew it would go a lot faster. I have this year and next, and then I'm done.

I don't know if I'm priveledged enough to be able to even get into fucking Gateway. But I do have to go to a community college, take something there and get good grades just to prove I can handle university. I'm forcing myself to kick this laziness trait, you just watch.

Kade does not know what she is going to do if she and Rachel get separated. She refuses to accept that she and her best friend will just stop. If all else fails, she will get a job in Boston while Rachel goes to school, and will pay her way through community college there.

I am not giving up on my major dream, to live in Massachusetts, preferrably near Boston, with my best friend. And never tell anyone else where we live specifically because everyone always shows up uninvited as it is to my house. The longer we don't tell anyone where we livee the longer it takes for them to find us, which they would eventually do. -_- Just trying to prolong the inevitable.

Rachel and I are also not giving up on the dream of a two or more floor place with a firepole from the top floor to the bottom. FYI.

I haven't been feeling too well lately, but it happens. This is the season for things like that. -Shakes fist angrily at the season of Winter.-

My fingers hurt. Maybe I'll go work on my NaNo novel or play around on that Popomundo site thingy.

Current mood: BECAUSE OF WINTER/FALL. ;_;

Current music: AFI- The Leaving Song.

6:55PM

Comment and
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a color that I associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this in your journal

9:31PM - You want to be dressed in poetry

But imagery doesn't fit.
And you want resizing, but darling dear, get a grip.

My grades? Yeah, they blew. Found out when I got my report card. I've downloaded a lot of music today, for no apparent reason. But it's slightly depressing, for no reason.

I'm confused. Actually, I'm not in reality. I know what I want, and I know what I should do. I know what I'm going to have to do. All I need now is the courage that I know I possess. -sigh- But I do care for people, and I can't help but feel sorry for them when I know I'm going to hurt them.

It's a sad fact that out of the people I am going to hurt, most of them don't deserve it. And the people that are going to hurt me, I've probably done nothing directly to them but try and be a good person and whatnot. Life is so fucking weird sometimes. I swear.

I could elaborate... but I'm extremely tired. I'm just being a coward. -rubs eyes- I'm going to need to get over this whole stupid thing and maybe think about what's best for my boy.

6:24PM

I really hate you on days like today.

You'll never understand it. I don't understand it.

6:13PM - My reply.

"Let's go into some detail about what happened after my break up with Kady. It's about time I got this out, because it tears me up inside when I think about it sometimes.

Kady. She was everything to me. EVERYTHING. I loved her so fucking much I really did. But, she, never fucking loved me! How nice, how caring, HOW FUCKING LOVING! She was the light at the end of my cold, dark tunnel. I was just another fuck buddy to her. She never loved me, SHE NEVER FUCKING LOVED ME! -screams- But our break up, was so...cruel. SHE DIDN'T HAVE THE GUTS TO TELL ME SHE LOVED SOMEONE ELSE! She got a friend to tell me instead. This was just before I went into the bath actually. So I got in the bath...AND TRIED TO DROWN MYSELF! Yes, that's right! I had a habit of trying to drown myself when I was a child, just want my life to end, and I thought I had gotten out of the habit, but obviously I hadn't, because this happened so many, many, many times.

I tried putting myself into a coma with sleeping pills, tried to stop myself from breathing was also another one, that one was hard. One of my ex-girlfriends; Sarah (R.I.P) owned a gun, yes, a real gun. Hard to believe, but she had connections. The right kind of connections. I pushed that to my head a couple of times. A lot of times. I tried to overdose on Sarah's drugs before Si Si stopped me.

So, yeah. That is what happened after my break up with Kady.

But now, I realise...I...and I hate to admit it, but...I have no chance with her...even if I did, she'd use me, again. So, fuck her, she can fuck her own life up and not mine. "

Oh yeah. That's what you call love right there. This whole entire thing pissed me off to an extent you will probably never understand. So I think I'll quote it. And get my own say.

"Let's go into some detail about what happened after my break up with Kady. It's about time I got this out, because it tears me up inside when I think about it sometimes. "

Let's do that, then.

"Kady. She was everything to me. EVERYTHING. I loved her so fucking much I really did. But, she, never fucking loved me! How nice, how caring, HOW FUCKING LOVING! She was the light at the end of my cold, dark tunnel. I was just another fuck buddy to her. She never loved me, SHE NEVER FUCKING LOVED ME! -screams- But our break up, was so...cruel. SHE DIDN'T HAVE THE GUTS TO TELL ME SHE LOVED SOMEONE ELSE! She got a friend to tell me instead. This was just before I went into the bath actually. So I got in the bath...AND TRIED TO DROWN MYSELF! Yes, that's right! I had a habit of trying to drown myself when I was a child, just want my life to end, and I thought I had gotten out of the habit, but obviously I hadn't, because this happened so many, many, many times. "

Because when someone is your everything, you obviously feel the urge to act like a whore often, and occasionally feel the urge to cheat on them. I never fucking loved you. Oh, that's nice to say. I love how you can just dive inside my head. You never really knew me. I like how you pretend you do now to make yourself feel better. Maybe I did love you, hm? But all my trust and respect and whatnot for you totally and completely died. I hope you're satisfied. But continue yelling that over and over. I DON'T THINK THEY HEARD YOU IN EGYPT. Frankly, you chose to believe Blanca when she said that to you. And if you were so willing to believe someone else, then I let you go with it. You tried to drown yourself. Oh, that's pleasant. I love how you reveal it to everyone who could possibly read what you posted before me. Shows how much you cared, eh? I'll also say this one last time. I DO NOT HAVE FUCK BUDDIES.

"I tried putting myself into a coma with sleeping pills, tried to stop myself from breathing was also another one, that one was hard. One of my ex-girlfriends; Sarah (R.I.P) owned a gun, yes, a real gun. Hard to believe, but she had connections. The right kind of connections. I pushed that to my head a couple of times. A lot of times. I tried to overdose on Sarah's drugs before Si Si stopped me."

These would be YOUR MENTAL PROBLEMS. I didn't do this to you, yet you still take it out on me! What you did wasn't my fault. You took yourself to that fucking level when you put yourself there in the first place because you sat there and believed other people before listening to me.

"So, yeah. That is what happened after my break up with Kady."

Maybe for the first day or so.

"But now, I realise...I...and I hate to admit it, but...I have no chance with her...even if I did, she'd use me, again. So, fuck her, she can fuck her own life up and not mine."

If you had another chance I would use you and whatever. I don't trust you at all. That EVER happening is a long way off. And right now, as fucked up as my situation is, I am doing alright. I don't use people for my own purposes. I'm not that fucking sick. Fuck me? How about fuck you. I didn't screw up your life. Everything you did screwed up your life when you went the way you did.

11:30PM

Mm. You make me smile. You really do.

Moving on. SO. It's Christmas Eve's Eve as of the moment, but that's only for twenty nine more minutes. ^^ Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the year, and personally I think it owns Christmas. Which is why I am still awake, just so I can put up an away message about it being Christmas Eve. :]]]

Yes, I am childish. But I'm allowed to be, no? I am only fifteen. And things can't be serious all the time. You'll get yourself into an early grave that way, you will. My eyes are tired and drooping, I suppose it could be from the little sleep that I managed to get last night.

There may be a lot of random tangents because I believe I'm getting slightly over tired t the moment. But you can never be too sure. My mom had me wrap my own Christmas presents as well as Kelly's tonight. That was pretty interesting. We did it last year, too. Only Kelly was here last year.

Well, this year she isn't. She decided to go to Falon's tonight. I'm not going to lie, that kind of hurt me a little bit. I am so used to spending time with my little sister on my favorite holiday of the year that this comes as a shock to me. And it kind of makes me sad. Can you really blame me? I don't know. I just wish I could spend time with her like normal. I also wish she cared, considering she would rather be with Falon anyway.

I know some of the things I got (aside from clothes) and I didn't wrap them, either. A digital camera, shoes, and DDR. Now, those are some hardcore Godly combinations. I don't care what anyone else says. Those rock out loud.

I just scanned my computer and it detected 36 tracking cookies and deleted them. Five of them were sex tracker. What the fuck is that? It's creepy, if anything else.

And I'm listening to Englishmen speak on The Osbournes. XDDD Rofl. They entertain me to an unhealthy extent, I wish I was kidding you. The other people, not the Osbournes. I am so easily entertained when I am tired. I wish I had a pretty boy who was willing to be tied to a chair. Yup. Boys like that are so hard to come by. Or at least one willing to handcuff me, I mean really. -shakes head sadly-

I'm kidding. A duh. Just trying to occupy myself while I wait for the next thirteen minutes to go by so I can go to sleep. And write more pointless things/listen to the english people on The Osbournes speak behind me. ^____^ Ten more minutes. >> Wheee. Mind you, I have been counting down since twelve fourty this morning, twenty three hours and ten minutes ago. I am just that freaking... bored. How saddening. :[

I have the hiccups. >>

IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE!
YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
=DDDDDDDDD

Peace and love, world.
I'm pretty happy. ^_________^

Nightttt.

Current mood: satisfied

Current music: The Osbournes. XD

9:39PM

So Super Freak was just playing on some movie commercial on the TV like a foot or two behind me. But for some reason, that made me want to download MC Hammer. You all know the song.

I really wish I knew why. Let's see if I figure it out or not. XD At the moment, I am so totally procrastinating on so many things. Two email roleplays, the boy's roleplay, like four roleplays I need to reply to on Endless-Delirium... and the intro I will have to write for Steph when she posts it. Oh yeah; major procrastination.

Part of me seems to think that it is not something that I should be proud of, but I still kind of am. Eh. My bad. So now this is offcially added to the multitasking list, because technically I am still writing my reply to the boy and the emails.

DONE.

It sucks. But you know, hey. I don't normally fit that well into the angel/demon world, and I don't really understand it that well. But I am trying, I am! And I'm protesting to a computer screen... oh, wonderful.

Well, whatever. IT'S CHRISTMAS BREAK. WOOOO! And Christmas is only three days from now. Well, more like two, but whatever. Today was probably the best school day all year. I love this day at my school more than any other day through out the entire year, and this particular one was pretty good. I think next year or my senior one will definitely be a little bit better, though. The only class that even takes attendance is your first period, and all your teachers let you leave class to go somewhere else. You don't do any work and there's parties and all that fun stuff. It was amazing, and I had fun.

But then I came home, and there were like 4556121213 x a bajillion and a half people in my house. It was wayyyy too many to deal with and some of them were purposely trying to piss me off. So I delt with it anyway, but still came out of it slightly annoyed. But besides that, today was a good day. And they left anyway. ^____^

Uhm... that's really all I have to say. XD Byebye. :]

Merry almost Christmas? [hereIcomeDDR]

Current mood: groggy

7:37PM

Stupid fucking Christmas.

YEAH. I SAID IT.

My mom bought me this digital camera that I did want, but I also wanted a video camera. I would have prefered the video camera, and I let that be known so she fucking cried. On top of it, she said I could get my friends stuff Tuesday, but she took that back and said today. Meaning the day before the last day of school. Great, right? Well... she took that back, too. I haven't seen her since yesterday. I now have NOTHING for the majority of my friends [meaning everyone but Bobby is giftless.] So we kept fighting for like... ever and a day.

And it didn't go so well.

Rita like decided to fucking hate my hair, too. So that kind of put a damper on things, as well. Uhg. I know I shouldn't care. But last time she said she liked it and now she doesn't and she's one of my best friends, so it's kind of upsetting.

I know half of you have felt the urge to stop reading now, because you don't want to hear me bitch about today and Christmas in general. Tough shit. You can stop reading all you want, because as long as I get this out I will calm down, even slightly. -inhaleexhaleslowly-

Today was a seriously hardcore emotional day that I, frankly, do not want to experience again. It was one of the worst in a long ass time. So hopefully things will get better, as tomorrow is the last day of school before vacation and half days are known to rock the fuck out in my school. So tomorrow will be better. Please let tomorrow be better?

Oh. So I went up to that kid today. Don't mind the tangent. And I was like: "So. Are you ready to stop judging people based on their outward appearance you imbecile?"

Oh yeah. I'm so freaking nice. He sat there with a dropped jaw and replied with a "No."

Now, you have to understand, I don't like causing people physical pain. I don't approve of it, for the most part.

BUT IT TOOK EVERY FIBER OF MY FUCKING BEING NOT TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THIS KID.

His mind is like under lock and key hidden deep, deep in the sea in Davey Jones's locker. Oh, but how I wanted to hit this kid. But I was a good kid. I didn't hit him. Though it probably would have made me feel a lot better for the rest of the day. Talk about an attitude change.

No, this isn't PMS. I'm nice when I have PMS. Just incase you cared to know. Nothing else to say really. I'm tired and a shower would be nice because they make me happy. :] And I really want to download Pieces by Sum 41. Amazing song. I think I'll go do that. Out for now. Have the lyrics.

Pieces -Sum 41
I tried to be perfect,
But nothing was worth it,
I don’t believe it makes me real.
I thought it’d be easy,
But no one believes me,
I meant all the things I said.

If you believe it’s in my soul,
I’d say all the words that I know,
Just to see if you were a show,
That I'm trying to let you know,
That I’m better off on my own.

This place is so empty,
My thoughts are so tempting,
I don’t know how it got so bad.
Sometimes it’s so crazy,
that nothing can save me,
But it’s the only thing that I have.

If you believe it's in my soul,
I’d say all the words that I know,
Just to see if they would show,
That I'm trying to let you know,
That I'm better off on my own.

(On my own!)

I tried to be perfect,
It just wasn't worth it,
Nothing could ever be so wrong.
It’s hard to believe me,
It never gets easy,
I guess I knew that all along.

If you believe it’s in my soul,
I’d say all the words that I know,
Just to see if it would show,
That I'm trying to let you know,
That I’m better off on my own.

Current mood: blank

Current music: Pieces -Sum 41

6:20AM

So there's four days until Christmas, meaning that it's time for a livejournal update! ...Okay, no it definitely does not mean that, but I'm doing one anyway. It's six twenty one though, and I'm supposed to be gone by six thirty so I should attempt to make this quick.

Some ignorant kid came up to me while I was smiling and laughing and talking to my friends and asked me if I was a goth. I was like "..." So he asked again. I'll paint the picture. My Tripp pants and a long sleeve light green shirt. (not neon, just light) and it had some form of black flowers on it. They were uber tiny, though. And navy converse. My hair wasn't brown and whatever and curly and down. Oooh, very gothic. "Uhm. Maybe I just like comfy pants." Which is true. If you have ever worn Tripp pants, you know what I mean. The kid (some idiotic freshman in my Italian class) kept trying anyway.

"Well then, what are you?"
"My name happens to be Kady."
"Uh... but... WHAT are you?"
"Not a jackass?"

x) I don't like when people try to trick me into things when they're being that freaking stupid about it! It does require some thinking.

So then he went around telling people that I had admitted to being gothic and whatever else, making him a complete liar because I had said nothing of the sort.

I was... slightly angry.

So here I am at six twenty six in the morning with a hot pink long sleeve shirt on, leopard print pajama pants with pink trim and etc, and

LEMON COLORED BLONDE HAIR. =DDDDDDDDD

I like proving people wrong when they have things to say about be behind my back. And when he comes up to me with his mouth gaping I will smirk and say

"I just like comfy pants. And everything else matches. Can't predict everything." And walk away. And I will be happy.

Yesterday rocked, aside from that. Working on a movie, Joey came over after Bobby came and left. Bobby ate cookies. Dyed my hair FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWO AND A HALF MONTHS. And today's full day and tomorrow's half day to go through before break. Oh! I'm singing tomorrow. x)

I'll really update later. Now I may have to run around finishing getting this stupid lemon mop ready. xD

Current mood: content

1:56PM

PainfulxtoxMe: I should just be a lesbian.
PainfulxtoxMe: I really should.
Bat em Cee: yes
Bat em Cee: you should
Bat em Cee: lol
PainfulxtoxMe: Dot.
PainfulxtoxMe: Dot.
PainfulxtoxMe: Dot.
Bat em Cee: what? lol
PainfulxtoxMe: YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO AGREE.

Yeah... that's pretty much the overall mood of the day. If I go to sleep, then maybe when I wake up this day will be over. -glances over to clock- Two oh eight. Whatthefuck. There's no way I'd be able to sleep that long. I just woke up three hours ago. >< Not quite three hours, actually.

Oh, and you have to look at the picture. It's not optional.

Incase it isn't completely obvious, I don't generally use an ellipse to leave out thoughts or show that I'm not saying certain things. I usually use it when I'm trailing off or completely clueless; or even before a freakish little outburst. There are several occasions, actually. x) And there is your lession about Kady for the day. I hope you enjoyed it, because if you didn't there might be another one later on. I couldn't tell you.

-gasp- No letter today! =o! S'cause I normally write them in school when I should be doing other things. Not that great of a habit, I know. Don't worry about me. I've got this covered. I'll end up passing those classes. x) I have weekends to read the books, after all. ...Just like the ones I forgot in school. Whatthehell. Well, I'll get reading them eventually. Can't say they're at the top of my priority list at the moment.

-sighs- Swing Swing by the All American Rejects. x) Not the best song to be listening to at the moment, even if it does semi-fit. -doesn't change the song anyway-

I reallllllllllllllly hate making people feel guilty. Like, more than you could ever possibly know. Because when I make people feel guilty, I feel guilty, then they feel guilty more which gets me upset so then they feel even more guilty and upset and whatever; and it's just one big commotion. It's annoying as all hell, and upsetting. Well, that is if you're at least not completely crazy and out there. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, my God...

I'm going to attempt to get back on track with my thoughts, and not lost in pointless tangents or fantasies. Mmkay? How about a random rant about my day?

I woke up at ten and went back to sleep; waking up at eleven fourteen. My body betrays me; because for some stupid reason even after going to bed late it won't let me wake up past eleven thirty. Stupid thing. I'm actually suprised I even got back to sleep. But whatever. Then I woke up and got screamed at because I attempted to drink one of the things of lemonade, and my mother had a royal fit. So I didn't drink it and watched VH1's Best Year Ever, because I had absolutely nothing else to do and I love the show "Best
Week Ever". Mindless entertainment isn't that fulfilling, though. Then Kelly /finally/ moved to let me on after my parents threw another royal bitch fit about how the stupid box of ornaments was on the stupid freaking chair and they needed to be moved to the basement and then how they needed to be in the den, and then how the tree was fine, and then how it wasn't and I needed to redo the whole thing but put the box of ornaments in the basement... Needless to say, I was so freaking confused. And I guess I did the wrong thing. So bitch fit number three was well in process. Then I got on the computer while bitch fit number three was ending. And got told to get off while I'm getting told that we can only be friends.

That didn't go over to well. So finally, I flipped out at people and told them all to go to Hell whilst I sat here and did my best to remain composed. Today was not a good day. And I really hope it gets better.

And Ares is so obviously against me today. Broken Hearted by Eighteen Visions, Swing Swing by the All American Rejects, So Contageous by Acceptance. It's like. 'YESSSSSSS. SHOVED. IN. YOUR. FACE.' Oh yeah. It's being nice to me today. Can't you tell?

Wow. I must be four or something today. I'm not acting like a little kid or anything like that. I'm just... coping. Or trying to, anyhow. I think it's failing. You can't just stop things like this. I'm not him and I'm not Ina. I don't have control over my emotions and such. I can't convince myself to think a certain way, or not to feel a certain way. I just don't work like that. And I have now officially been working on this entry for about an hour. If you don't mind, I'm just going to end this with a few more thoughts, some lyrics, and at the very end, a picture.

Something good could come of it. I know Cam isn't right; I know it. I think we'd do well; I really do. I wish you would give it a shot (because you can't really know until you try) but if you don't want to, then we don't have to. I may not like it or be happy with it, but I will deal with it. But it wouldn't be me if you couldn't count on some complaining. Maybe not direct complaining (because nothing in here towards you is really direct) but that's what a live journal is for.

So, The Radiance was just on, and I was listening to it last time, so you can have those lyrics. Along with, you know, the song I'm actually listening to.


The Radiance:

This room is stark yet this bed is unfamiliar
My only company tonight is this tattered photograph
Simply serves as a reminder of everything that I have lost

The radiance of the stars in the sky seems meaningless
Without your picture in my mind; reflect their images it's meaningless
to open up your eyes and turn away

I long for sleep so that I may visit you in my dreams tonight (In my dreams tonight)
It seems to be the closest that I come to catch the glow in your eyes

The radiance of the stars in the sky seems meaningless
Without your pictures in my mind; reflect their images;
it's meaningless
to open up your eyes and turn away

I wish I could just stop missing you
You're all I have
that gives all the meaning to the beauty in the sky
Radiance.

The radiance it's meaningless (several times)

The radiance of the stars in the sky seems meaningless
Without your pictures in my mind to reflect their images it's meaningless

The Radiance, it's meaningless. (several times)

To open up your eyes and turn away.

The Taste of Ink by The Used:

Is it worth it can you even hear me
Standing with your spotlight on me
Not enough to feed the hungry
I'm tired and I felt it for awhile now
In this sea of lonely
The taste of ink is getting old
It's four o' clock in the fucking morning
Each day gets more and more like the last day
Still I can see it coming
While I'm standing in the river drowning
This could be my chance to break out
This could be my chance to say goodbye
At last it's finally over
Couldn't take this town much longer
Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be
Now I'm ready to be free

[Chorus]
So here I am it's in my hands
And I'll savor every moment of this
So here I am alive at last
And I'll savor every moment of this

And won't you think I'm pretty
When I'm standing top the bright lit city
And I'll take your hand and pick you up
And keep you there so you can see
As long as you're alive and care
I promise I will take you there
And we'll drink and dance the night away
And we'll drink and dance the night away

[Chorus]

savor every moment of this

As long as you're alive
Here I am
I promise I will take you there
[x2]

And won't you think I'm pretty
When I'm standing top the bright lit city
And I'll take your hand and pick you up
And keep you there so you can see
So long as you're alive and care
I promise I will take you there
So long as you're alive and care
I promise I will take you there

[Chorus]

savor every moment of this [x2]



Picture timeeee.
I wonder if this will work. xD

You obviously know who it's for. A duh.

8:01PM

Current mood: pensive

Current music: The Radiance -It Dies Today

5:40PM

7:52PM - Nada.

5:43PM

6:55PM - Brain servant.

6:11PM

12:49AM

Hmm.
It's damned near one o clock in the morning. I am a very determined person, so when Greg finally gave me his LJ link, I wasn't going to waste it.

But do you know how long it takes to read a live journal that has been in existance for over two years while multitasking? SEVERAL. HOURS. >> But I did it. And I must say that I am glad I did. It's nice to know more about him. I did it for Andy and Rita, too. The rest of the people who bother to read this are too lazy to get an lj for me to read.

And now my eyes don't want to stay open. Damned human needs for sleeping.

Random statement: I've been shaking all day. My left hand just keeps deciding that it wants to spazz out on me. Wish I knew why.

I also wish I could give you a semi intelligent live journal entry to read. But lately I just seem incapable of much intelligent thought as Bobby going out with Kate had completely put a damper on my life week.

And if that works; it works. And if not, you still get the point I was attempting to get across. I'm too tired to care.

On the other hand though, reading Greg's live journal probably increased my vocabulary a little bit. ^^ XD But that's just how awesome I am.

I promise I'll give you a somewhat normal entry tomorrow if my parents even allow me computer access. -yawns- We'll see what happens. So... tired...

6:49PM - s'yeah.

Current mood: blank